Facts of Life Part I - Growing Older , artsy
I know "you da mans" when you're in town
and can't always fit in a visit to the "old
Pop- over". No problem. I didn't hang with
"the folks" much when I was young and
single either. Of course when I was single I really
was young. I went from being a child to having a
child in very short order (as did your mom- what
a coincidence!). By the way I began to take an interest
in cooking in my late 20's - early thirties and
became artsy-fartsy at about 32. Remember my woodcarving?
Seems the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree.
I was surprised to hear you refer to my weekly meal
preparations as "scrumptious". In fact
I was a bit shocked. "Scrumptious"??????
Sounds like you got yourself "domestifucated"
somewheres along the line. Hanging out with a good
woman will do it every time. Then marriage, a home,
mortgage, some kids, lotsa bills, little time, less
sleep, Coscoe Mega Warehouse membership card ( where
you can find toilet tissue on sale in 144 roll lots
delivered to the trunk of your suv wagon by hi low
free of charge), marking time weekly on the checkout
line at home depot, Sunday morning church, more
bills, more kids, less sleep at night, more naps,
mulching the lawn and interior painting "vacations",
more bills, more work, less money, a dog, a hampster,
some aquarium fish, a walk to the mail box is "getting
away from it all for a while", the chinese
lady at the dry cleaners starts to look cute, you
meet your friends on line while bagging your groceries
at Pathmark, you know the name of the checkout lady's
grandchildren at Pathmark, your best friends names
are "BEN AND JERRY'S" who live in a hidden
area deep in the recesses of the freezer but come
out to visit everynight at 10 after the kids are
in bed, more work, more bills, less time, .........
Oh yes you are on your way. Me!!!!?????? Been there.....
done that ......got the t shirt. (They were the
hardest and best years of my life and I wish I could
have them all over again so I could do a better
job because all dad's eventually feel that way).
Enjoy the ride. May as well.... you're paying for
it. By the way "Ben and Jerry" were here
tonight after supper but didn't stay long. The health
food stayed in the fridge and Taco Bell ruled the
dinner table. Sometimes a manz gotta do whut a manz
gotta do. So keep on trucking and keep in touch.
I'm enjoying my view from here. It cracks me up.
I love you son. Give the girl a hug and say hi for
me. Keep it scrumptious!
facts of life according to my Dad : PART II
Let me tell you the facts of life, no not those. You
learned them in the street where we all did. I'm talking
the real facts of life! Here it goes: Woman goes to
the Mall for a Kitchen Clock; could get it at home
Depot but that's not civilized. Arrives at 10 am sharp
just as it opens. Parks in the mall nearest to the
coat store, farthest away from the Housewares Store,
because the Coat store is having a sale. What's wrong
with you? Lost you already? Son you have a lot to
So after purusing all and I mean all the coats, even
the ones that don't fit just to see if they would
look good on her anyway she walks across to the Hallmark
Store to get a card for the mailman's mother who just
had bunion surgery. While in the store she sees one
of those little $1.99 Angel pins you can wear on your
lapel so she then decides she should be looking at
jewelry. A few stores later she gets to the jewelers
and trys on several pieces, actually about 27 pieces
to the exasperation of the now haggard salesMAN who
remarks that the brooch she is trying on costs $62,000
but she could have it now for $57,500. She haggles
back and forth for 40 minutes, leaves, goes to the
bank to check her balance, calls 4 girlfriends telling
them about the expensive brooch she is in the process
of buying and returns to the jewelry store to ask
the salesman if he has any of those $1.99 Angel lapel
pins like they have over at Hallmark. He sighs as
he puts the expensive brooch away and points to a
display on the counter of lapel pins, each $3.99.
She hollers informing him that Hallmark has them for
$1.99 and that's why she didn't buy the brooch- he's
storms out of the store and sees a candle shop.
relaxes as the fragrant aroma of scented candles fills
her nostrils. A brooch would be a nice Christmas present
for her husband to give her, even if the price went
up to $79, 999 as jewelry does in that season. What
the heck she muses, it's Christmas and I'm worth it.
He'd only waste the money in Sports Authority or Home
Depot anyway. By now she's hungry. She looks at her
watch, it's broken. Probably needs a battery. Back
to the Jewelers. She arrives in a huff and insists
the salesman install a new battery in her watch immediately.
The beaten man behind the counter looks at the watch
she thrusts in his face.... a $4.99 Sharkey Swimmer
watch, waterproof and impervious to dish detergent.
As he opens the back she drills him: How much for
the battery. 99 cents he says. Installed she quibbles?
No, it's $1.99 installed and may I remind you madam
there were three young couples looking at engagement
rings ahead of you that are now gone. Just fix it
she orders. And no more surley remarks. After all
the shopping I did here this morning you think you
could subtract the $1.00 installation fee. But madam
you have never bought anything in this store, not
even this Sharkey Swimmer watch. She replies: "That's
right, your prices are too high, you are insolent,
and take advantage of female customers. In an effort
to calm her down he says" OK, NO INSTALL FEE,
just 99 cents for you today. I don't want to lose
a good customer." "Do you take Mastercard
or would you prefer a check", she says.
leaves the jewelers with the salesman who is now hanging
a " CLOSED TODAY" sign on the shop and proceeds
to the Healthy Foods Counter. It's now 2:15pm and
she's famished. "Excuse me" she interrupts
the counter girl serving two customers on line ahead
of her. Do you have the # 2 Veggie Wrap deluxe with
cottage cheese instead of fries? The counter girl
who doesn't speak English is unaware that the woman
is speaking to her and just nods in that ignorant
no speaky Engliss kinda blissful way and smiles back
at the woman. The woman barrels along with her order.
OK, # 2 Veggie Wrap with cottage cheese instead of
Fries, a slice of avocado on top of the cottage cheese,
you do have Avocado don't you. The No Engliss girl
is still smiling as she attends to the other two ladies.
OK also no bean sprouts on the wrap.... and toast
the bread but don't burn it, and put the #7 dressing
on the side.... I'm allergic to the #2 dressing....
and a large glass of water with not too much ice....
yes and a slice of lemon..... and a sweet n low on
the side..... and extra napkins........do you take
mastercard or would you prefer a check? The no Engliss
girl still smiling, replies; " Hola, may I teek
lady storms over to the Haggan daz counter and gets
a large Ice cream sundae but returns to eat it at
the Healthy Foods cafe.
calls the kids and asks them to take out the Frozen
Lasagna by Chef Boy R D for dinner and informs them
she may be late as she hasn't found a kitchen clock
yet. Just pop it in the Microwave at 6pm if I'm not
home. Her daughter asks her if Penny's still has the
dress shoes she wants for the prom. The woman goes
to 6 shoe stores and tries on a dozen or so shoes
in each before she gets to Pennys. She picks up a
scarf for her girlfriend who's birthday is tommorrow
as she zeroes in on Penny's shoe dept. Yep the prom
shoes are still there and in her daughter's size.
She marvels how late it is.... 6:35PM. Our poor exhausted
woman returns home to find her family eating semi
tells her husband she's been out running errands all
day and special requests for everyone in the family,
not to mention her backstabbing girlfriend, her ungrateful
daughter who can think of nothing but herself and
her prom, her imbeccilic mailman, and that this Christmas'
Present better reflect all she means to him. She reminds
him that Saturday he needs to go to Home depot to
pick up a kitchen clock.
Now the man's version
Man needs a shirt. Goes to the mall, utilizing all
his hunter/ gatherer skills to navigate the shortest
route and park as close as possible to the Men's Shoppe.
He jogs spritely across the lot through the front
doors and directly down the corridor leading to The
Men's Shoppe. He is focused. He passes but doesn't
even see 4 Department Stores featuring 50% off mens
shirts today. He looks neither left or right. He draws
near to his quarry and bursts upon the shirt rack
ripping a yellow 16 1/2 neck, sleeve 32/33 button
down collar away from it's unobliging hangar. A short
struggle and it's over. The hanger lies liflelessly
on the floor. He clutches his catch in a death grip
as he reaches for his wallet and throws two twenties
at the salesgirl. ....Scoring a bag he thrusts his
prize deep inside and jogs back out to the car a proud
warrior; a successful hunt!!
You have arrived my son at the doorway to a vast and
mind boggling universe called Marriage where none
of the physical laws governing the known universe
apply, a final frontier, these are the voyages of
the starship; Kevin/ Laurie. Spock and I wish you
I am sorry to hear about the car. Those things just
eat money one way or another. Is it worth it to repair
or are you going to buy another and sell the remains???
I will miss you Saturday as we all will if you can't
make it . I'd understand. I love you son. Give Laurie
a hug. DAD Keep in touch