Facts of Life Part I - Growing Older , artsy and fartsy

Hey Son,
I know "you da mans" when you're in town and can't always fit in a visit to the "old Pop- over". No problem. I didn't hang with "the folks" much when I was young and single either. Of course when I was single I really was young. I went from being a child to having a child in very short order (as did your mom- what a coincidence!). By the way I began to take an interest in cooking in my late 20's - early thirties and became artsy-fartsy at about 32. Remember my woodcarving? Seems the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree. I was surprised to hear you refer to my weekly meal preparations as "scrumptious". In fact I was a bit shocked. "Scrumptious"?????? Sounds like you got yourself "domestifucated" somewheres along the line. Hanging out with a good woman will do it every time. Then marriage, a home, mortgage, some kids, lotsa bills, little time, less sleep, Coscoe Mega Warehouse membership card ( where you can find toilet tissue on sale in 144 roll lots delivered to the trunk of your suv wagon by hi low free of charge), marking time weekly on the checkout line at home depot, Sunday morning church, more bills, more kids, less sleep at night, more naps, mulching the lawn and interior painting "vacations", more bills, more work, less money, a dog, a hampster, some aquarium fish, a walk to the mail box is "getting away from it all for a while", the chinese lady at the dry cleaners starts to look cute, you meet your friends on line while bagging your groceries at Pathmark, you know the name of the checkout lady's grandchildren at Pathmark, your best friends names are "BEN AND JERRY'S" who live in a hidden area deep in the recesses of the freezer but come out to visit everynight at 10 after the kids are in bed, more work, more bills, less time, ......... Oh yes you are on your way. Me!!!!?????? Been there..... done that ......got the t shirt. (They were the hardest and best years of my life and I wish I could have them all over again so I could do a better job because all dad's eventually feel that way). Enjoy the ride. May as well.... you're paying for it. By the way "Ben and Jerry" were here tonight after supper but didn't stay long. The health food stayed in the fridge and Taco Bell ruled the dinner table. Sometimes a manz gotta do whut a manz gotta do. So keep on trucking and keep in touch. I'm enjoying my view from here. It cracks me up. I love you son. Give the girl a hug and say hi for me. Keep it scrumptious!
Love, Dad

The facts of life according to my Dad : PART II

Hi Kev,
Let me tell you the facts of life, no not those. You learned them in the street where we all did. I'm talking the real facts of life! Here it goes: Woman goes to the Mall for a Kitchen Clock; could get it at home Depot but that's not civilized. Arrives at 10 am sharp just as it opens. Parks in the mall nearest to the coat store, farthest away from the Housewares Store, because the Coat store is having a sale. What's wrong with you? Lost you already? Son you have a lot to learn.

So after purusing all and I mean all the coats, even the ones that don't fit just to see if they would look good on her anyway she walks across to the Hallmark Store to get a card for the mailman's mother who just had bunion surgery. While in the store she sees one of those little $1.99 Angel pins you can wear on your lapel so she then decides she should be looking at jewelry. A few stores later she gets to the jewelers and trys on several pieces, actually about 27 pieces to the exasperation of the now haggard salesMAN who remarks that the brooch she is trying on costs $62,000 but she could have it now for $57,500. She haggles back and forth for 40 minutes, leaves, goes to the bank to check her balance, calls 4 girlfriends telling them about the expensive brooch she is in the process of buying and returns to the jewelry store to ask the salesman if he has any of those $1.99 Angel lapel pins like they have over at Hallmark. He sighs as he puts the expensive brooch away and points to a display on the counter of lapel pins, each $3.99. She hollers informing him that Hallmark has them for $1.99 and that's why she didn't buy the brooch- he's overpriced!!

She storms out of the store and sees a candle shop.

She relaxes as the fragrant aroma of scented candles fills her nostrils. A brooch would be a nice Christmas present for her husband to give her, even if the price went up to $79, 999 as jewelry does in that season. What the heck she muses, it's Christmas and I'm worth it. He'd only waste the money in Sports Authority or Home Depot anyway. By now she's hungry. She looks at her watch, it's broken. Probably needs a battery. Back to the Jewelers. She arrives in a huff and insists the salesman install a new battery in her watch immediately. The beaten man behind the counter looks at the watch she thrusts in his face.... a $4.99 Sharkey Swimmer watch, waterproof and impervious to dish detergent. As he opens the back she drills him: How much for the battery. 99 cents he says. Installed she quibbles? No, it's $1.99 installed and may I remind you madam there were three young couples looking at engagement rings ahead of you that are now gone. Just fix it she orders. And no more surley remarks. After all the shopping I did here this morning you think you could subtract the $1.00 installation fee. But madam you have never bought anything in this store, not even this Sharkey Swimmer watch. She replies: "That's right, your prices are too high, you are insolent, and take advantage of female customers. In an effort to calm her down he says" OK, NO INSTALL FEE, just 99 cents for you today. I don't want to lose a good customer." "Do you take Mastercard or would you prefer a check", she says.

........She leaves the jewelers with the salesman who is now hanging a " CLOSED TODAY" sign on the shop and proceeds to the Healthy Foods Counter. It's now 2:15pm and she's famished. "Excuse me" she interrupts the counter girl serving two customers on line ahead of her. Do you have the # 2 Veggie Wrap deluxe with cottage cheese instead of fries? The counter girl who doesn't speak English is unaware that the woman is speaking to her and just nods in that ignorant no speaky Engliss kinda blissful way and smiles back at the woman. The woman barrels along with her order. OK, # 2 Veggie Wrap with cottage cheese instead of Fries, a slice of avocado on top of the cottage cheese, you do have Avocado don't you. The No Engliss girl is still smiling as she attends to the other two ladies. OK also no bean sprouts on the wrap.... and toast the bread but don't burn it, and put the #7 dressing on the side.... I'm allergic to the #2 dressing.... and a large glass of water with not too much ice.... yes and a slice of lemon..... and a sweet n low on the side..... and extra napkins........do you take mastercard or would you prefer a check? The no Engliss girl still smiling, replies; " Hola, may I teek yore oreda?

The lady storms over to the Haggan daz counter and gets a large Ice cream sundae but returns to eat it at the Healthy Foods cafe.

She calls the kids and asks them to take out the Frozen Lasagna by Chef Boy R D for dinner and informs them she may be late as she hasn't found a kitchen clock yet. Just pop it in the Microwave at 6pm if I'm not home. Her daughter asks her if Penny's still has the dress shoes she wants for the prom. The woman goes to 6 shoe stores and tries on a dozen or so shoes in each before she gets to Pennys. She picks up a scarf for her girlfriend who's birthday is tommorrow as she zeroes in on Penny's shoe dept. Yep the prom shoes are still there and in her daughter's size. She marvels how late it is.... 6:35PM. Our poor exhausted woman returns home to find her family eating semi frozen Lasagna.

.......She tells her husband she's been out running errands all day and special requests for everyone in the family, not to mention her backstabbing girlfriend, her ungrateful daughter who can think of nothing but herself and her prom, her imbeccilic mailman, and that this Christmas' Present better reflect all she means to him. She reminds him that Saturday he needs to go to Home depot to pick up a kitchen clock.

Now the man's version

. Man needs a shirt. Goes to the mall, utilizing all his hunter/ gatherer skills to navigate the shortest route and park as close as possible to the Men's Shoppe. He jogs spritely across the lot through the front doors and directly down the corridor leading to The Men's Shoppe. He is focused. He passes but doesn't even see 4 Department Stores featuring 50% off mens shirts today. He looks neither left or right. He draws near to his quarry and bursts upon the shirt rack ripping a yellow 16 1/2 neck, sleeve 32/33 button down collar away from it's unobliging hangar. A short struggle and it's over. The hanger lies liflelessly on the floor. He clutches his catch in a death grip as he reaches for his wallet and throws two twenties at the salesgirl. ....Scoring a bag he thrusts his prize deep inside and jogs back out to the car a proud warrior; a successful hunt!!

... You have arrived my son at the doorway to a vast and mind boggling universe called Marriage where none of the physical laws governing the known universe apply, a final frontier, these are the voyages of the starship; Kevin/ Laurie. Spock and I wish you Peace...............
That's life!
Anyway I am sorry to hear about the car. Those things just eat money one way or another. Is it worth it to repair or are you going to buy another and sell the remains??? I will miss you Saturday as we all will if you can't make it . I'd understand. I love you son. Give Laurie a hug. DAD Keep in touch